About a year before Dan's miraculous heart change, I started having some new thoughts about stuff. I'm an analyzer so I really thought about what was happening but it probably took several months to fully wash out.
First, I felt that we might not be in the right church.
Up to that point, I had never had any thought of leaving. (We'd been there since before we were married.) Our church was getting so huge, though, that I felt very disconnected with our children. We would walk in the doors and say 'good bye' for three hours. (We often stayed for two services.) I started seeing attitudes I didn't like. Not from the church itself but from the children my kids were hanging with. I also realized that they really only got maybe a total of 30 minutes of 'real' teaching in those three hours. I tried to point some of these things out to Dan but he couldn't see it. He was playing on the worship team at least once a month and was loving it. I once suggested we go visit another church. His response was, 'We're never leaving (this church) so we aren't going to go looking at other churches.'
I didn't want to be spiritually wise in my own eyes. That was Eve's sin and curse. I was going to submit to his decision without grumbling.
So I prayed.
First I prayed for contentment.
That God would help me do my best with our children's attitudes and hearts. (Dan had not had his heart change at this point, so was not leading our family spiritually at home.) I had them all week at home so we would work on it then.
Next I prayed for godly spiritual men to be brought into my man's life.
Dan got involved with a mentorship program through the church for the older men to encourage and disciple the younger men. (He being the younger.) On the outside it looked great. Problem was, the few truly godly men were so spread thin that they barely had time for anyone! These men were awesome but to be a part of someone's life, it takes more than a 30-60 minute appointment once a month.
I could see that wasn't working as well as I thought.
Finally I just prayed a simple prayer.
'God, please just give Dan a vision for our family. I don't have a clue what it looks like, only you do. Help me to obey whatever you bring into our lives and be content with however things turn out. I love Dan so much, and even though I know he could be capable of so much more, help me to be content with who he is NOW and not compare him with anyone else. Help me to be the wife you call me to be and give him the respect you ask of me.'
Talk about peace!
It was like I got permission to sit back and watch what God would do.
Something else was moving on my heart at the same time.
I thought we needed a puppy.
Dan... 'Absolutely not.'
Lots of work, messy, stinky, shedding, not to mention we have a kid allergic.
He had a point.
I realized that I was missing a little baby.
My youngest was almost four and my arms felt empty. I knew we couldn't have anymore so I started thinking of alternatives.
First I suggested that I do day care. Extra money, can send them home at night. Sounded good to me.
Dan... 'I'm thinking no. How are you going to home school with a little one crawling around?'
Lord, help me be content and take this desire away or move my husbands heart in some direction.
I really started feeling like we were missing someone in our family but I didn't know why.
Then came Dan's major heart change with the Lord.
(Obviously this is a pivotal point in our life.)